I feel a bit hypocritical writing this, but after several recent conversations, I’ve concluded that the way some of us approach ministry is incredibly dangerous and even destructive.

What am I talking about?

It’s a modus operandi that could almost be considered “ministry at any cost”, and it is fundamentally wrong. Ministry shouldn’t be at any cost.

Now you might argue that it’s just my opinion, and yeah, that’s true. I know how hard it is to juggle the demands of leadership while carrying the weight of expectations.

But it doesn’t change the fact that … I’m right!

I’ve experienced burnout more than once. I know too well what can happen to a marriage when ministry to others is approached as if it were the most important activity in the world.

And when I say ministry to others, I mean the way we prioritise other people over the ones God has entrusted directly into our care—our spouse, our kids—the ones He has given us to serve first and foremost.

Husbands, it means your primary mission field is your home, your wife and kids, before anyone or anything else. Wives, in the same way, your primary ministry is to your husband and your children, and then other people come into the picture.

Okay, so now, you might think I’m being a bit melodramatic.

Perhaps, but let me give you some examples of ministry behaviours that put at risk those who are meant to be our highest ministry priority.

• Regularly missing dinner with the family to attend board meetings, client calls, pastoral visits, or because there is a constant list of “stuff” to do, and you think you’re the only one who can or should do them.
• Meeting a team member or parishioner off-site in an informal setting to discuss a serious personal issue, risking perceptions that could compromise personal or ethical integrity.
• Keeping your spouse and kids waiting in the car while you pop into the office on the way to a family outing for something “really important” that you need to do, promising it’ll only take “five minutes”.
• Pouring hours into mentoring or supporting others, leaving yourself too drained to meaningfully connect with your spouse or children at home.
• Consistently overworking, skipping rest or self-care to meet organisational or church expectations, because you think it comes with the territory as a leader (especially if you’re the only one being paid).

I could rattle off a whole bunch more.

But the point is… when we prioritise others over our family in the name of ministry, we’re not just risking our most important relationships—we’re undermining the very role that God has entrusted to us for the sake of His mission.

The Bible is clear about this.

If we can’t manage (provide for, care for, lead, prioritise) our own family, how can we lead His people or take care of His church (1 Timothy 3:5)?

And for those of us who are husbands, this expectation is immense: loving your wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25) means ministry starts at home, not in the office or pulpit.

Our families aren’t inconvenient add-ons or distractions from our calling; they are intrinsically our calling—the first people we minister to. Home is our primary mission field; the place we’re meant to reflect Christ’s love and leadership before anywhere else.

Ahh, but now I hear you say, “My team are looking to me for leadership! That person really needs to see me, like now! The ministry can’t function if I don’t put in the long hours and hard work!”

I get it. It’s incredibly intoxicating to think we’re indispensable.

But here’s the hard truth: God didn’t call you to a life of burnout or compromise to build His kingdom. What He asks of us is that we steward well the people He has placed in our care, just as Jesus did with the disciples (John 17:12).

Only then do we get to serve others with every bit of the capacity we have and the wisdom He gives us when we ask for it (James 1:5).

So, how do we fix this?

Well, it starts with boundaries.

It’s putting your daughter’s game into your diary—because that prioritises her before others—and saying no to the “urgent” client call or meeting someone has asked for.

It’s carving out time for your spouse, not just for the occasional date night, but for regular, authentic, undistracted, intimate connection.

It’s no longer carrying anything that maybe should be hand-balled to someone else, or reframed, or dropped altogether (perhaps even left at the foot of the Cross).

It means recognising you’re not the rescuer of every person with a need, and it certainly means putting in place measures for meeting with people that will protect your marriage, your reputation, and your ministry.

Oh… and it means rest.

Seriously. I get it—the pressure to be everything to everyone is real.

But isn’t it just pride that makes us think we’re too busy for the very practices and rhythms Jesus modelled in His earthly ministry—like keeping the Sabbath, taking time out to be with His Father, and investing in the relationships that were most important to Him.

Even Jesus, after a period of intense ministry activity, directly called his disciples (you and me) to “come away … and rest a while” (Mark 6:31).

Side note: if you’re single, this exhortation applies to you too: rest and accountability are vital if you’re to steward your calling well.

Friend, these aren’t just helpful leadership tips. This is a call to obedience for each of us as leaders—to do only what honours God and aligns with His priorities. When we get this right, our families flourish, and our ministry bears fruit that lasts.

So, take a moment today: look at your diary, audit your habits and behaviours, and check your heart. What’s one step you can take to put your family first?

Because if our homes and families aren’t flourishing, what’s the point of all the rest?